He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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