I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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