Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
