i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
