Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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