i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
