He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
