four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize