i jhust puked up my retainher.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
