Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
