It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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