theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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