Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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