he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i wish my penis had a tongue
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
