life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
