I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He better not be in your backpack
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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