I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
