Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's never too late to be topless.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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