He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
