I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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