I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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