mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
