i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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