youre lurking in front of me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
