rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
