Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
