Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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