WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
