I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
