Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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