we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
