I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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