I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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