y did u give ur computer a hand job?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
