I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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