I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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