I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think my moral compass just broke
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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