3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
