I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
