I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
