mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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