Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
