i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize