she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
