I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Barsexuality is the new black.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
