We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
