Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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