im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize