Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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