i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
