He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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