He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
