I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We left the knife in your bed.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
