now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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