Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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