If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
