Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Everclear isn't food dammit
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
