Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think I just shit out all my problems.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
