Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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