To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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