there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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