Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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