Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
