1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I am morally bankrupt
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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